"Single Gray" by Christine Graves
You've spent decades caring for your spouse(s), children, grandchildren, parents, and everyone in between. Then, one day you wake up, and it's all gone. You find yourself single, alone, unneeded, and you still have a lot of living left to do. Guess what. You're going to be okay.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Christine Graves, and I've been a writer for more than 40 years. I've also been married--twice, I've raised my children and am currently raising a grandchild. I took care of my parents until they passed, I've taken care of other family members until they either passed or found someone else to care for them, and I'm still working a full-time job.
Then, out of the blue, my second husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I was 55 years old, and I had nothing to show for my years of service except a bad back and menopause. Yay me!!! I was terrified. Yes, I had a job, but he wiped out any savings we shared. The house we lived in was his by inheritance, so I had no chance of keeping it. And I had a little girl to think about.
I had a very good job that I'd been doing for a very long time, but I had capped out on annual raises. Unless there was a company-wide cost-of-living raise, I was making as much as I ever would. It wasn't enough, but it got me a small apartment and a way to figure out life on my own.
It really wasn't until that moment that I'd realized I had never really been on my own. I went straight from my parents' house to my first husband's house. We had two children and were married for 22 years. He was never a physically abusive individual, but he was mean. When our daughter found out she was pregnant, he wanted her to have an abortion. I said hell no and got her and I out of there as fast as I could. I had to work three jobs, but I did it.
The thing is, I had no credit cards in my name. I had no credit of any kind in my name. Everything had been in his name, and as far as the credit bureaus were concerned, I didn't exist. When I did finally get a credit card in my name, it had a high interest rate, and I'm still trying to get out from under that thing to this day.
A year later, I ran into an old flame, and within a year, we got married. I thought I had won the lottery as he was the polar opposite of husband number one. He was sweet and kind, had a great job, and loved to travel. He took my grandbaby in as his own and loved her like any of his other grandkids. To this day, that's her grandpa, and nobody can tell her otherwise.
I built up my own credit, got a couple of car loans, and paid those off without any issues. I still didn't have a retirement plan, but we had a joint savings account that was doing fairly well. Then his true addiction shone through: spending money.
He had a thing for vintage muscle cars. And if he could find one in decent condition for a reasonable price, he bought it. Didn't matter if we had the money or not; he bought it. Within a couple of years, we'd taken out a couple more loans simply so he could buy another vintage vehicle. I was starting to panic. We'd gone from having only a few bills and a savings account to having close to $20,000 in debt, and our savings were wiped out.
We got married in 2013, and I thought things were still going fairly well ten years later. I was wrong. As I look back, there were signs. Signs I just didn't want to see. I won't lie.
I'm a homebody; he's not. I didn't want to be on the go all the time. It was nice once in a while, but he was on the go every single weekend. I had a little girl to take care of; I couldn't just jump and run at a moment's notice. He got tired of that, so I just told him to go and have fun. I'd see him when he got home. Big mistake.
Yep, he found someone who liked being on the go all the time. In fact, he enjoyed being with her so much that he decided to leave. In January of 2023, I found myself alone. No retirement plan (I was 55), no savings, and no idea how to move on.
Here's the thing: there is help out there for people like us. I looked into a few different programs and found someone who helped me get into an apartment, got my electricity turned on, and even got it so my granddaughter could keep her cat. Watching her grandparents' drama was pretty hard on her.
I hated asking for help, but I didn't have a choice. The only assistance I get for my grandbaby is medical insurance. Everything else I do on my own. Her mother sends money as well, but when it comes to the basics: food, heat/air conditioning, lights, clothes..., that's all on me.
I also got a better paying job. It sucks starting a new job in your 50s. Fortunately, it was an industry I'd worked in since my early 20s, so I knew what I was doing. The problem is that it's a very physically demanding job, and I'm no longer in my early 20s. But it came with a much-needed raise and a 401K. It's even allowed me to work on a savings account again.
It's taken me three years, but I'm doing okay. I'm not living like a rock star, but I'm comfortable. I'm still raising that little girl, who's a teenager now, and we're doing pretty well. Ex-husband #2 still pops in from time to time. We realized that we made pretty good friends; we just sucked at being married. I think it freaks him out that I'm doing as well as I am, and I don't need him to make it work.
I really hadn't intended for this piece to go in this direction, but sometimes the Universe has plans of its own. I just go with the flow. Ending up alone later in life isn't a death sentence; it's the chance to rewrite your own story on your terms. You don't need a spouse's permission, you don't have to worry about where the kids are (unless you're still raising kids), and you don't have to feel guilty for doing something for yourself.
If you've found yourself in this situation, welcome. I can't promise to have all the answers, but I promise I'll try to find them. We'll look into programs to help with bills, how to deal with Social Security and retirement, and what to avoid in the "after-married" life.
Remember, you're not alone. You are Single Gray!!!
Until next time,
Mom Graves!!!
Mom Graves!!!
